How to Help Your Child Develop a Healthy Attachment Style
How does your child respond when you are not by their side?
Some children cry profusely, some children wait patiently for their parents to return, while others appear to be indifferent. The way they respond to such situations could be an indicator of their attachment style.
It is believed that a child's attachment style impacts how they form relationships with others in the future and affects their emotional health (for the curious folks, yes, it can changed depending on the relationship and other party).
Ideally, it would be best for a child’s emotional health, friendships and relationships to develop a healthy attachment style from a young age.
Type of Attachment
Numerous studies have been conducted to study attachment styles, and they generally agree that there are 4 types of attachment style.
**Attachment styles can also be applied to adults, but the examples and descriptions here will focus on children.**
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Children who are friendly to a stranger when their parents are present.
They show a normal level of anxiousness when they are left with the stranger alone, happy when parents are back, and readily seek comfort from them.
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Children who show no signs of distress when left alone with a stranger and do not seek comfort from their parents upon their return.
They are comfortable playing with the stranger alone and can be comforted by both their parents and the stranger.
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Children show intense fear and anxiety when their parents leave them with a stranger.
They appear fearful of the stranger and cannot be comforted when the parents return. They may cry more or even resist attempts at comfort.
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Children who exhibit a combination of both insecure-avoidant and insecure-ambivalent attachment styles.
They display inconsistent and contradictory behaviours, such as desiring comfort but crying more when they receive it.
Tips to Foster Healthy Attachment
Be Available
This does not mean that you have to assist your child at all times. You can allow your child to explore on their own and learn from their mistakes. You can encourage them to try new things and step out of their comfort zone.
However, it is equally important for them to know that you are there to support them if they need it. This helps foster their willingness to take on challenges while providing a sense of security. It can be helpful for parents to accompany children when they are trying something new for the first time, helping them become familiar before gradually allowing them to become more independent.
Be Sensitive
Being available and being sensitive should go hand in hand. In addition to letting children know they can reach out to you anytime, parents should be sensitive enough to recognise changes in their children's emotions. It is common for some children to feel uncomfortable or not know how to express certain concerns to their parents. Therefore, it is important for parents to detect any 'unusual' moods or activities in their children and initiate conversations with them.
However, being sensitive and observant does not equate to rushing in to problem-solve or soothe them. Children need guidance, but not someone who would do everything for them. They may learn to adapt certain skills to their own preferences as well, like how to self-soothe, or self-regulate, which is an adaptive skill children should learn to be more resilient!
Create a Safe Environment + Encourage Open Communication
Having a safe environment for communication is crucial. It is common for children to keep things secret because they are afraid of the consequences.
Of course, in public settings, there are rules and social norms that we need to adhere to, so certain topics should be avoided. However, parents should work together to create a safe space at home where their children can talk or ask about anything. For example, your child may not feel comfortable being left to play with your friend's child without your presence, but they might not know how to express that to you. A disagreement might arise between them, and they might be punished for not getting along well with their friend.
If a child is raised in an environment where open communication is encouraged, they will feel comfortable sharing what actually happened during the earlier playdate. You can then guide them on how to navigate their emotions and improve their play skills, preventing a repetition of the fight. This does not mean that there should be no punishment at all, but if punishment is necessary, it is essential to communicate with your child beforehand, ensuring that they understand why they are being punished and that they agree to accept the consequences.
Final Words
Attachment style not only affects how a child interacts and relates to others in their early years but also influences how they form relationships with others later in life. It is important for parents to take an active role in helping their child develop a healthy attachment style.
