Keeping the Marriage Strong After Having Children
Perpetually sleep deprived, having little (if any) time for yourself or your spouse, constantly trying to juggle meeting your child’s needs, upkeep of the household, showing up at your job – is it even possible to keep a marriage strong after having children?
Research studies found that 67% of couples experienced a sharp decline in relationship satisfaction in the first 3 years after the arrival of baby. These couples often reported relationship disappointments, feeling unappreciated, and increased marital conflicts after the transition into parenthood.
The transition to parenthood is challenging
Many new stressors suddenly arise for both parents after having a baby, often leaving parents feeling stretched and lost. These include:
Ψ Recovery from childbirth
Ψ Hormonal fluctuations
Ψ Change in sex drive
Ψ Learning to care for the baby’s needs (e.g., managing feeding schedule, learning to differentiate various types of cries)
Ψ Personal emotional regulation (e.g., managing parental anxiety when the baby cries, husbands feeling lost and wondering how to be supportive, both parents feeling helpless when the baby is unwell)
Ψ Social obligations of responding to well-meaning family and friends even though you are exhausted
Ψ Fatigue from coping with changes
How then are the other 33% of couples keeping the marriage strong after having children?
Ψ Realistic expectations and compassion
Having awareness of the aforementioned challenges is essential. This is because anchoring on realistic expectations of what adaption into parenthood looks like allows for compassion rather than being critical of yourself and your spouse.
Ψ Staying attuned and establishing rituals of connections
It is important to learn how to stay attuned to each other. As the focus shifts towards the child, couples spend much less time focused on each other, and practical conversations about errands often occupies majority of conversations. This then leaves little room for intimacy and romance amidst navigating roles as parenting co-partners.
Research has found that maintaining strong emotional connections both buffers the quality of the marital relationship as well as stressors of parenthood. Specifically, be intentional in maintaining friendship and intimacy by establishing rituals of connections. Intentional rituals of connection happen when time is carved out to spend with your lover (i.e. not focusing on co-parenting). This can look like making the effort to have breakfast together, snuggling, or walking the dog together.
Is it even possible to keep the marriage strong after having children? Very encouragingly, the answer: Yes, with intentionality and effort.
Kirsty Png
Counselling Psychologist
