Talking to Children About Loss and Grief
What does your child know about death?
Death is a common theme in cartoons and movies, therefore it might not be a foreign theme in your child’s life. Having a vague understanding about death and experiencing it first hand is different, and can be a confusing and turbulent time for children. This is worsened by cartoons that show characters who die and come back to life again, creating a false impression that death is reversible.
The pain of loss, grief and sadness is a common emotion that adults can relate to when it comes to death, but oftentimes we may forget that children tend to experience additional feelings of confusion and fear. This is exacerbated by the often foreign emotions they are experiencing, thus making it a rather disorienting experience.
Sheltering your child from the pain of loss is like fighting a losing battle - death is inevitable and is part and parcel of life. Instead, equipping your child with the skills necessary to cope can help them feel safe and secure.
Death can be a daunting topic to tackle, however by allowing them to understand their emotions and validating their fears, you can help build healthy coping skills that allow them to deal with grief appropriately.
Children grieve differently
Children may express grief in different ways from adults - similarly, they may respond to death in different ways depending on their age and personalities.
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Children typically see death as temporary and reversible - they may not have an adequate understanding of what death means or it’s permanence.
Sometimes, they blame themselves for the death of their loved ones, and mistakenly assume they have done something to cause the death or departure. Your child may seem unbothered about the passing or even experience severe mood swings (from crying to wanting to play). They may also ask the same questions repeatedly - it's understandably frustrating, but remember to be patient and reassuring.
Ψ Expressions of grief: Regression to earlier behaviours (wetting the bed, sucking thumb), sleep problems, irritability and confusion
Ψ How to help: Following an established routine, coupled with lots of care, love and reassurance will be helpful. Play may be an outlet for grieving at this age.
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Children start to grasp the concept of death, but may have an innocent perception that they and their loved ones are not susceptible to death. That is, it will never happen to them or anyone they know.
Ψ Expressions of grief: Nightmares, regressions to earlier behaviours, violent play
Ψ How to help: Encourage the expression of emotions through symbolic play or talking about the person who passed.
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Children may be overly fearful of sickness and injuries because they do not have a full understanding of how death works and why people die.
They may want to believe death as reversible, but are beginning to understand the finality in death.
Ψ Expressions of grief: Regression, school issues, social issues, acting out, changes in sleeping and eating habits, thoughts about their own death
Ψ How to help: Explain to them that death may occur because of serious illness or injuries. Reassure them that death will not occur to them till a long time later.
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Parents need to support and educate children on death and how to process and cope with loss.
Teenagers are capable of understanding more abstract concepts, and thus have a better comprehension of the concept of death.
Ψ Expressions of grief: Extreme sadness or anger, denial, regression, risk taking, acting out, suicidal thoughts
Ψ How to help: Be present, and give them space to process their emotions. Above all, encourage the expression of feelings by being authentic about yours and how you are struggling too!
Your child may feel immediate grief following the death of the loved one, but also have a belief that the loved one is still alive. This is normal weeks after the passing, however, if it persists beyond that, this can be emotionally unhealthy and lead to concerning issues like mental health conditions. Make sure to stay observant of your child’s behaviours, especially if your child is unable to cope with grief and loss.
During times of loss, it may be especially difficult to have the bandwidth to deal with both your own grief along your child’s. Do seek help from a professional if you are unable to cope or help your child cope with these complex emotions.
Keep in Mind
Be mindful of your child’s developmental age when it comes to helping your child cope with death. Here are some general guidelines you could follow when helping your deal with grief:
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Stay away from using euphemisms such as “went to sleep”, “gone” or “we lost them”.
Children are very literal, so these abstract and intangible languages can make them feel more anxious and scared. As a result, they may believe the deceased will come back to life, and that death is not permanent.
“Went to sleep” is particularly problematic, since it may cause your child to develop a fear of sleeping.
Be direct and clear that the deceased will not be coming back or returning into their lives. For additional information, they may or may not be ready for this, so don’t volunteer it unless directly asked. See the next point (tread carefully) for more details.
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The way your child reacts to death is unpredictable and varies among individuals. When comforting your child, be mindful of their developmental age, and directly answer their questions - only if they raise these questions themselves. Try not to offer additional information as it may be overwhelming for them.
When they do ask questions, do not turn them away or reject them. These questions can continue to come up within them, and it may be distressing for them to keep thinking about them.
Do your best to answer as honestly and clearly as you can - remember, it’s okay if you are unable to answer certain questions (i.e What happens after we die? Will I ever get to see grandma again?). A helpful suggestion is to relate back to your core values and beliefs to help guide along your responses. You can choose to acknowledge that there are some questions that even adults don’t have answers to, and we do our best to make sense of it in however way we can - there is no right or wrong answer.
At the end of the day, what’s most important is that you are emotionally available and present for your child in this turbulent time. Guiding your child and modelling how to healthily cope with the painful reality of death is the crucial part.
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It is important to allow your child to articulate and pinpoint the emotions they are experiencing during this time.
If your child is unable to express what they are feeling, you could prompt them by saying “Mummy/Daddy is feeling very sad that grandma passed away. Do you feel the same way?”.
Other ways you could help your child express their emotions is through play - drawing pictures, playing with dolls or telling stories.
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Funerals can be particularly helpful in providing closure, but can also be an intense experience. Whether your child attends the funeral is a personal decision, and is a judgment call the parents can make. However, do take into consideration your child’s preference as well, as it is never a good idea to force your child to attend a funeral they are not ready for.
Funerals are often emotionally charged, therefore your child has to be prepared for the visceral emotions they will see and feel around them. Moreover, if a casket is present, you may have to prepare them for that too. Do note that even the best prepared child may get upset and feel intense emotions. Children’s behaviours can be unpredictable, so expect the unexpected.
If you decide that funerals may not be the best way, a good alternative is to memorialize the person who passed away with your child. This involves remembering the deceased and sharing memories about the person. Some activities you could do with your child:
Planting a tree in honour and remembrance for the deceased
Releasing balloons with messages for the deceased
Sharing favourite memories of the person
Creating a scrapbook of memories of the person
There are many ways you could memorialize a person, so be creative with it. The purpose of the activity is to express the regret and sadness of losing the person and to find closure for both you and your child. It can be a helpful catharsis especially if your child is unable to attend the funeral to say their final goodbyes.
Different types of grief
The death of a loved one may not be the only time your child is faced with loss - and this can range from pets, to grandparents. Moreover, there are also different reasons for the death of loved ones. Here are some ways you can explain what happened:
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The death of a pet may have significant impacts on your child because they essentially lost a lifelong friend. This may be your child’s first encounter with death, and can shape the way they perceive and think about death. Be transparent about the reason behind the passing, especially if the death occurs unexpectedly. If the pet had to be euthanized, explain that the vet tried everything to help but the pet was too sick to recover.
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This is a particularly traumatic death - especially on the surviving family members and loved ones. The child will be curious about how the loved one passed, therefore you should not avoid explaining the reason. That being said, be developmentally appropriate in your explanation.
For example, you may explain that this is caused by a psychiatric disorder which is a disease of the brain that resulted in their death. Try not to use the phrase “committed suicide” because the word has negative connotations related to crime or even sin. Instead, you could say the person passed by suicide or took their own life. Moreover, it is important to emphasize that suicide is never the solution and there are always other options.
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Similar to suicide, it is important to have a conversation with the child regarding the cause of death. Focus on how addiction is a disease, and blame it for the cause of death, not the person. It may look something like telling the child that addiction is a disease that causes a person to want more of a substance that was harmful to them, which ultimately resulted in their death. Reassure the child that addiction does not make their loved one bad, but just someone who suffered from a disease.
As the child grows older, you may want to explain in greater detail what addiction is and the particular substance it was. This is because they may start hearing that addiction is hereditary, and start developing fears themselves. While this may be true, you can start explaining that addiction is also a result of both the genes and environment. Thus having a relative who struggled with addiction does not mean they will struggle with it.
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In this case, the child may have had time to mentally prepare for the death of the loved one. Alternatively, it may have been unexpected. Either way, it is important to keep the child up-to-date on the health status of the loved one, in the case that they pass. You may want to let the child know that their loved one was suffering from a disease, that the doctors tried everything they could, but weren’t able to cure the disease.
Concluding Thoughts
Finally, do not be discouraged - if you find yourself unable to process the grief of the passing of your loved ones, seek help from your social support systems or even professional help (i.e grief counselor, clinician). Death can be traumatic and deeply emotional, and even the people that come to face death on a daily basis (think hospital doctors and nurses) may find it difficult to cope with it. It can be difficult to find courage when everything is overwhelming, and it is okay to feel that way.
Prioritizing yourself will be crucial during this period, and is one of the best ways to support both you and your child. In fact, research shows that how well a child does after a death is associated with how well the adults in their life are doing. This means ensuring you are surrounded by your support system with healthy coping methods to provide comfort for yourself. This models the behavior for your child on ways to take care of themselves, and at the same time gives you some mental space to reassure and be there for them without being burnt out.
